Learning from Love - part one

>> Tuesday, December 27, 2011

So the word on my Rocket Scientist blog is, though I truly thought I had found my soulmate and loved him, heart and soul, only to be left with a shrug on his part for someone else (two days before my birthday, I might add, with no warning), I'm still qualified to write about love in my novels.

Which is good because it's a big part of all the books I've written and all the books I'd planned to write. But I can learn from this rather humiliating episode in my life to make my books better, more realistic, more powerful, even more romantic (without, I hope, being corny)?

Not sure yet. Hard to write at the moment which is why my blogs have been largely languishing.But can't let that go indefinitely, so here's today's questions, inspired by my having to deal with an "other" woman, for anyone who'd care to comment.

Jealousy is a big thing in many romantic stories, considered proof of caring. On the other hand, loving someone (by my own definition), puts their needs beyond your own. I have not done romantic triangles (or any other geometric shape) to date, but that might come not too far in the future. So, at what point does jealousy stop being about love and start being about ownership? Should you give away the one you love without protest if they truly love someone else? Are the two perspectives mutually incompatible?

And that brings up a side question. If we presume (and I do) that loving someone does not imply obligation on the someone's part, what does it say about an individual if they let the lack of return love (or falling out of love) corrupt the original love. Should anyone base one's love on what they wanted in return? Should it warp if the love is unrequited?

I will tell you how I see the answers to these questions in a later post, but, for now, I'd like to see your own responses. The floor is yours.



  • Project Savior

    I’m not the greatest person to comment on this as my experiences are opposite of most.
    I grew up believing that sex and love were totally different things, that monogamy was an unnatural state, ect.
    Then 23 years ago I fell in love, and have been monogamous ever since.
    Without being either corny, or getting into brain chemistry, I’ll just say no matter how rational someone is and how much they like to believe that their brain is in charge, when the brain and the heart get into a fight the heart will always win.
    So even when your head is telling you that your heart is overrating being possessive and all that, your heart will win.

  • Shakespeare

    I don't know. Can love survive if the other person turns out to be uncaring? Doesn't it feed on anything? Won't it just die on its own?

    I guess I don't see love as some unchanging attachment. Love, even one that spans decades in a mutual relationship, changes. I will have been with the hubby for 22 years near the end of January (our dating anniversary), and my love for him is very different than it was oh, so long ago. If we were not together now, I might still have some feelings for him, but that would not mean I could live with him. We have chosen to adapt to each other so that we can live harmoniously. It isn't our love that keeps us together, but our willingness to care for each other, to make each other--and our family--a priority. But it takes both people to make that work.

    I don't know the answer about unrequited love, though.

  • laurathewise

    I think being in a relationship changes both people.

    I also don't think relationships and love are always the healthiest things, depending on where you are in your life...so...how can I say this without sounding like a horrible person? Sometimes you need to have loveless flings. :P Oh, I am not explaining this at all well...

    As for jealousy, it involves a strong element of fear, I think -- fear that the person will leave or cheat or not love you. Jealousy based on fear is easier to sympathize with&understand than jealousy based on possessiveness or the need for power. Too much jealousy can do the opposite of what you want, which is drive someone away. I also think it's possible to be jealous of another person's passions -- things that take up their time or things that they love that are not you. Friends, hobbies, activities, even family...That's where it gets possessive, I think. You start to covet the other person's time and resent the time they're not spending with you.

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